


I don’t think I deserve this love (but I’ll take it anyway)

by VrottaBuddaPanda



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Civil War Team Iron Man, F/M, Hurt Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, Tony-centric, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2020-02-16 15:47:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18694528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VrottaBuddaPanda/pseuds/VrottaBuddaPanda
Summary: Tony stark is hurt by what the public is starting to call ‘Civil War’, but that won’t stop him from protecting Laura Barton and her kids when Ross seeks revenge.Tony is hurt, scarred and broken, but maybe one Laura barton and three really small agents can help him heal





	1. The start of something

**Author's Note:**

> So, I’m ignoring infinity war and endgame cause they hurt too much, and going back to a post-Civil War time

Tony stares at the nasty scar that goes from his left cheekbone to his temple passing through his now glassy looking left eye. 

He sighs.

His right eye travels to another scar that makes its way from his chin to his upper lip on his left side. Meanwhile his left eye mimics the first blindly. 

Ha. Blindly. Good one.

He closes his eyes. 

He is reminded again that his left eye was left unseeing by his and Rogers’ boxing match. Boxing match. More like brutal beating. Sure, he had held his own, but after Rogers had pinned him down and destroyed the arc reactor there wasn’t much he could have done trapped in the suit. There wasn’t anything he could have done as Rogers kept pounding on his helmet with the shield. Nor when the helmet broke and cut his skin, leaving him with a blinding pain in his left eye. Pun intended. There was nothing he could have done but, still, he wishes he could have just died then and there. After all, right now he had no one but F.R.I.D.A.Y. 

Pepper left with Happy, Vision left, Rhodey’s in a coma, and the Avengers are just… gone. And he better stay away from Peter before he breaks him too

He passes a hand through his hair. God is he tired. 

He doesn’t need to see the last scar to know it’s there. On the right side of his jaw. It’s thinner than the other two. It goes from his jaw to his throat passing just beside his jugular. A millimeter to his left and he would be dead. But he wasn’t. He was just fine. How lucky. 

He scoffes at his own sarcasm and opens his eyes.

The three jagged lines are an angry pink, almost red. They are the only visible ones as the others are concealed by his shirt

Usually he avoids mirrors- for usually he means since the Civil Clusterfuck- but today he has to go to the Bartons. He has to look- well, he can’t really look fine, but he can try to look okay at least. And he could proudly say that after getting the bandages off, cleaning up and shaving into his treadmark goatee, he still looked like shit. Great. 

It isn’t too obvious- besides the scars obviously, just little details that a mother like Laura would notice. His skin just a little too pail, making the scars all too noticeable, the bags under his eyes just a little too dark, making his glassy looking eye stand out, and being just a little too much on the thin side, making his cheeks look sunken and his cheekbones sharper.

He sighs again and looks at the Arc Reactor’s light shine through the cloth of his dark blue shirt. “Well, this is as good as it’ll get” 

He gets out of the bathroom and looks at the two vests laid on his bed. One is a a grey that matches his pants and is bulletproof, the other one’s identical but isn’t bulletproof. He knows Laura wouldn’t hurt him, not without a really good reason, but hey, if putting your husband in jail isn’t reason enough, what is?

He goes for the safer choice and puts on the normal vest. Recklessness always did suit him. 

He puts on his glasses, the ones that have a mirror effect so that people can’t see his eyes, and makes his way to the car.

 

OoO

 

Okay, he really has to knock 

He has been standing on the Bartons’ porch for about fifteen minutes and he still hasn’t knocked. God he feels like an asshole. Standing outside the door of a woman whose husband and father of her children is on the run from the law mostly because of him and expecting her to even talk to him. She would probably rather shoot him than listen to him. 

But this isn’t about him, is it? It’s about her and her children’s safety. 

So he raises his hand to knock when it suddenly opens startling the shit out of him and making him jump back. 

“Jesus!” He puts a hand on his fast-beating heart and takes a deep breath. He composes himself and looks in Laura Barton’s eyes.

She ignores his outburst and crosses her arms on her chest “So”

He raises a brow “so” he repeats, not knowing what to expect

“You’re alive” she says in a rather unimpressed way

Ah, right. Since he hasn’t shown his face since the so called ‘Civil War’ the press just speculated he was dead. Because when hadn’t Tony Stark wanted to be at the centre of attention? Admittedly, there hadn’t been a silence this long from him since Afghanistan. But he couldn’t be seen in public, not like this at least. Not because he was ashamed- even though it played its part in it- but because people would ask questions. So he hasn’t made a public appearance in almost four months. And he would have kept it that way until he had perfected his hologram glasses (which would have created a hologram on his face to mask the scars) if it weren’t for the fact that the Bartons’ well-being has been put in danger. “Surprise?” 

She snorts and shakes her head fondly “I’m glad to see you, Tony” she says before opening the door wider and letting him in

Okay, now he’s confused. She let him in without a protest. Is this a trap? “You are?” He asks in a distracted mumble as he enters cautiously. Looking around he notices the mess of toys scattered everywhere.

“What was that?” She asks from behind him as she closed the door

“Nothing” he says looking back at her through his glasses

She gestures to the couch offering him a seat, but he’s too nervous to be able to sit still so he just declines with a wave of his hand. She goes in the kitchen “would you like some water? Tea? Juice? I think I’ve got one of Clint’s beers somewhere in here” she asks rummaging through the fridge.

He thinks about drinking anything other than water and his stomach lurches “water’s fine” she bring him a glass of water a moment later “thanks” he takes the glass but doesn’t drink, tapping on it instead. He lowers his head to reorganize his thoughts now that he has her listening

She sits on the couch and waits for him to talk. When he doesn’t she does “how are you, Tony?” 

He stops the tapping and looks up to find her eyes searching him. He forrows his brows. How is he? Why would she ask? Why would she care? Is this a test? Can’t she see what he looks like? He looks terrible he knows. So why is she asking? Should he say the truth? Nah, she is probably asking out of politeness. “Fine” he can see her looking at him skeptically, but he couldn’t stand the look of pity that would certainly come with the truth, he isn’t weak, he’s a Stark and Stark men are made of iron. “I’m fine”

Her eyes roam over his scars, taking in every little detail, then they move down, finally settling on the reactor 

“Hey, eyes are up here” he says trying to alleviate the tension

She huffs and looks back at his glasses, eyes full of amusement. Then she turns serious again “are you though? Okay?” She asks concerned and- oh, that’s real concern

He sighs deeply and gives her a tired smile “always” he lets a beat pass “anyway, how are you and the little agents?” He changes the subject.

She smiles sadly at him “we’re okay”

“Really?”

“Well… it’s not-” she sighs “We’re well enough” she settles on “We aren’t fine by any means but I doubt you came all the way here to ask that. Not that I doubt you care, but you could have asked that by calling. So, why are you here Tony?”

Okay, here we go “There might be a threat to your safety” he blurts out “I put Ross in prison a coupe of months ago and- well, he wants revenge on me and the Avengers. So he’s probably gonna come for you if he finds out about your existence and so I thought that maybe you would want to come to the Compound to live there because you would be protected and I mean it would be just me, because Vision left to go to Wanda and Rhodey’s in the hospital but it’s safer than you being without protection and-” he stops himself once he notices he’s rambling. He looks down “I know that it’s all my fault and that you don’t trust me but-” 

“I trust you” she states interrupting him.

He looks at her speechless “What?” He must have heard her wrong, right?

“I trust you” she repeats and yeah, he definitely heard right

“Why?” He asks confused

She shrugs “Clint trusts you”

He snorts “Yeah, and look where it got him”

“It was his choice to go against the law and it was Captain Rogers who called him, not you” she says. “Now, I’m not going to sit here to argue with you on whose fault was it, there’s a threat to my family. So, tell me again why should we come with you to the compound?”

“Well, Ross-”

“Not that part” she stops him “I mean why can’t you just come here if you are the only Avenger left? Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to come here which is an unknown location than for me and the kids to come to the compound which is famously known as your home? Certainly people would notice if you smuggled in a woman and her three kids, right?”

He sits down “I… hadn’t really thought about the possibility” he admits

She raises an eyebrow “you thought about getting a woman and three kids away from their home just after they lost their father… but you haven’t thought to just come here yourself?” She asks skeptically

He scratches his neck and looks down “well… I just- I didn’t think you would want me in your home”

“Oh, Tony” she places her hand on his, making his eyes snap to her “it’s not your fault Clint’s in prison” she says sternly

He shoots her a small smile, not believing her “anyway” he says, trying to change the subject once again “you’re right, I should move in here to keep you safe, not the other way around. So, I’ll bring my things here. Don’t know how long I’ll be here for, so I’ll just bring some stuff and then some more as time passes and obviously a couple of suits to guard the perimeter and one for me in case of emergencies. I’ll have to bring some stuff to work too and-”

“Tony?”

He stops mid sentence and looks back up “yeah?”

She smiles “you’re rambling” 

“Oh… right! So… I’ll go now” he gets up to go 

“Tony!” she calls from behind him

He turns back around “Yes?”

“One last question” she gets up and walks up to him, looking straight through his glasses as if she could see his eyes. He nods giving her permission to ask whatever she wants “can you take off your glasses?” He freezes, not knowing what to do. “It’s okay if you don’t want to”

“No, it’s okay” he sighs “you trust me, the least I can do is trust you back” he shifts and takes a big breath.

He takes his glasses off

The only clues that she saw his blind eye are her widening eyes, apart from that it would be impossible to detect any emotion on her face. “I’m sorry”

He startles at the apology “why?”

“Because my husband helped in hurting you” she admits

“You aren’t responsable for his actions” he says fiercely

She scoffs “well you aren’t either but you still feel guilty, don’t you?”

He half smiles “touché” 

“It’s been nice seeing you Tony”

He nods, believing her only a little bit “you too” he says before leaving

He has packing to do


	2. Chapter 2

He spends three days designing the holo-glasses. He hadn’t really gotten to it the previous months, and he can admit he didn’t even want to. It gave him an excuse to avoid going out, not having the glasses ready. He had driven Pepper mad refusing time after time to have a press conference to convince the press he is just fine. He is so focused he barely eats- not that he would eat if he wasn’t focused.

The action of eating is a mere necessity to keep working at this point. He isn’t even hungry anymore. He eats only cause he knows he’d die without food, and he can’t work if he’s dead, now, can he? But he doesn’t even eat all that regularly. Once, sometimes twice a day he forces himself to eat something, and he often can’t even keep it down.

So yeah, he usually barely eats, but now that he’s focused he doesn’t even remember about it. Which brings him to where he is now, laying down on the pavement of his workshop, blood lazily oozing from his head wound, a killer headache on the way and the room spinning. He doesn’t exactly remember falling, but he remembers getting up from his hunched position on the bench to get coffee, the wave of dizziness and the pain in his head as he hit his head on the work table behind him. So, maybe it wasn’t a great idea to mute F.R.I.D.A.Y. when she tried to remind him to eat.

He scrunches his eyes shut, trying to stop the room from spinning. God he’s an idiot

He manages to get himself in a sitting position resting against the bench. The cold metal of the bench digging in his back grounds him as he takes some deep breaths. After a couple of minutes he feels better, but still out of breath.

The bots are beeping worriedly and F.R.I.D.A.Y. must have said something to Dum-e cause Tony would be pretty sure the bot is trying to make a smoothie if it weren’t for the fact that he just put engine oil in it. But that must be what he was doing cause now Dum-e’s handing it to him

There’s a sudden shrill noise pounding through his scull, coming from one of the holograms, alerting him of the incoming call from one Laura Barron.

He gets on his feet, the dizziness making him waver, and stumbles to the bench in front of the hologram, sitting down heavily on it.

He accepts the video call

“Hey Tony, how are you?” Laura asks sounding concerned

“‘m fine, how bout you? The kids doing okay? Wait- did something happen? Is that why you’re callin me?” He asked worriedly ignoring the nagging of Dum-e’s claw in his back

Her brows furrow “what? No, I just wanted to check up on you, you haven’t called to tell me when you’re going to come-” he turns around once he’s reassured of their safety to get the smoothie from his boy “-and is that blood?! Are you okay?!”

“What?” He turns back around “Oh, yeah, ‘course I’m fine, just slipped and hit my head. It’s all right though, doesn’t even need stitches”

Her eyebrows raise quite a bit “that’s a lot of blood for a head wound”

“Yeah well, I’m a bleeder”

She snorted “I thought everyone was?” she turned serious again “Tony? Should I call someone? An ambulance?”

If they see him like this they’ll surely tell the press “No ambulance- no hospital”

“Okay well, there must be someone else we can call, is anyone there?

“There isn’t- I’m alone right now”

“You sure you don’t wanna me to call a friend or… there must be someone-”

“No one” he sighs and rubs his eyes with his left hand as his right is keeping him upright against the table “there’s no one” he looks down, not ready to see the pity in her eyes

“Turn around” when his eyes slowly look up to see her, there’s no pity there, only determination

“What?” He asks dumbly

“Turn around, Tony” she commands

He does

“Okay, it needs stitches” he turns back around

How the hell could she tell “How do you know?”

“He asks to a woman married to a spy” she deadpans

“Right, how do I do that?”

She raises a skeptical eyebrow “you, a man who is a hero and gets hit more times than I could count and, from what Clint told me, hates doctors, have never stitched yourself” she half asks half states

“Not in the back of my head I didn’t”

She nodded admitting defeat “to quote you: touché” then she shrugs “All you need is two mirrors and me- also, maybe some alcohol?”

Right, like he could actually drink with all the pills he’s taking for the arc reactor “I’m fine”

They pass the next fifteen minutes trying to stitch his head wound without making things worse.

Once done Laura convinces (read: forces) him to agree to letting her call that night every two or three hours to make sure he wakes up since apparently he might also have a concussion.

The first time she calls he hasn’t actually gone to sleep, against her ‘you need rest, Tony’ statement, so, fearing her ire, he runs and throws himself on the couch, throwing a blanket on before F.R.I.D.A.Y. is able to answer, or at least he hopes he was fast enough as he buries his head between the couch’s cushions feigning sleep.

“Tony” he hears her sigh “I know you’re awake, Tony”

He waits a bit more _just because_ before turning his head towards her “wow, your bedside manners suck, you know that?”

She smiles “can’t sleep?”

“Didn’t even try actually” he hasn’t tried in three days, since the last nightmare. Nightmares are something of a norm by now, waking him up at every chance, sweating and crying. Every time he closes his eyes he sees Pepper screaming as she falls and all because of him, Rhodey falling and falling into a coma because of course he did, and of course it was Tony’s fault. He sees Parker unmoving on the ground after his fall. Seems falling is a constant in his life. He sees Clint and Wanda burying him with cars, Vision leaving, Bruce leaving, Thor chocking him, Natasha stabbing him, Ste- Rogers beating him, oh and his personal favorite: Barnes chocking him and Steve just watching, because _he’s my friend, Tony_ and the rest of the Avengers smiling at the sight. But worst of all, he sees himself tearing the Avengers apart.

She frowns “why?”

“Nightmares” he says sluggishly and why is he telling her this? Oh right, sleep deprivation.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He shakes his head “thanks but no, I don’t- I can’t”

“Okay” she considers him for a moment “I gotta ask you some questions”

He nodded “Go ahead”

“What’s your name?”

“Tony” he says simply

“Come on, Tony, this is _serious,_ you could be hurt”

He sighs “Antony Edward Stark”

“When were you born?”

“1980” she raises her eyebrow again “okay okay, 1970” he raises his hands in mock-surrender “you’re no fun” he laments as he rolls his eyes

She rolls her eyes in turn “Where do you live?”

He ignores her question “how do you know the answers to these questions?

She shrugs “I googled you”

“Creepy” he murmurs

She ignores him “where do you live?”

“This is boring” he commented then suddenly perked up “are you… eating Doritos?!” He gasps

She stopped mid-chew, narrowing her eyes at his exaggerated gasp “…yeah”

“You’re eating?? While we’re having a _serious_ conversation, to check on my cognitive abilities- my mental stability is at stake!” He throws her word back at her

His fake outrage gets a startled laugh out of her

“-these are life threatening injuries we’re talking about-”

She laughs harder

“I could be seriously concussed-”

She’s actually shaking right now  
  
He points a finger at her “I could die, and you eat Doritos?!” He gasps once again “and- fantastic, now you’re laughing at me?! _I could be hurt_!” He mock-yells, throwing her words back again. Happy at seeing her laughing he relaxes from his angry pose and lets himself fall on the couch, slamming his head on the wall in the process. He hisses.

When she finally calms down and wipes her eyes she finally speaks “hey! Be careful, I don’t want you ruining all my work”

He puts a hand over his heart “I beg your pardon?!” He dramatically says “I’m the one who did all the work!”

“Details, you wouldn’t even have stitched it up if it weren’t for me”

He lets a beat pass just because, then nods his head “to quote you quoting me: touché”

She smiles before speaking again “okay, after this I’m sure you’re fine, I’ll call again in a couple of hours”

The second time Laura calls goes much like the first: she asks questions, he refuses to answer and makes a scene out of it, making her laugh, the slight awkwardness that was present before completely gone by the end of it

Tony is tossing and turning when Laura calls the third time. He has an arm and a leg dangling from the couch, his body draped over it. He’s so bored he’d take any distraction by now. So he says the most cliche thing he can come up with as he answers the phone “what are you wearing?” He asks wiggling his eyebrows, voice a little muffled by the couch

She frowns “you can see what I’m wearing”

He turns his head more towards her “tell me anyway” he says, voice slow and low

She actually laughs at that and, surprisingly, he does too. “God you’re weird”

He shrugs “I try” he says modestly, still draped over the couch

She must have gotten the memo that he won’t answer any boring questions, cause she asks more interesting ones

They both end up eating Doritos as they go, her with a wine glass and him with the smoothie Dum-e made for him

“Is that thing actually digestible?” She asks

“No idea, Dum-e put engine oil in it”

She looks confused “why?”

“I think he believes I need to be oiled”

She laughs

“You know, this is really unfair, I’m here answering all of your questions about my private life while I don’t get to ask you anything” he whines

She raises a brow “What are you proposing?”

“A question for a question” he says simply

She takes a sip of wine “How will you know if I’m not lying?”she asks

He shrugs “I guess I’ll just have to trust you”

By the fourth time she calls they have shared all kinds of funny stories about Clint, the fact that neither of them sounded bitter or cried, and even managed to laugh is a feat in itself. Before answering he does a pose which is supposed to be sexy but is really just awkward

Laura keeps a straight face until he wiggles his eyebrows, then she brakes down and laughs.

“You look ridiculous”

“You should see the pose I did for the cover of People for my eighteenth birthday, now that was awkward”

“Ooooh, I gotta see that”

They pass the next twenty minutes searching for the infamous photo through the internet, having a bet on who finds it first. Obviously both bet on themselves, the price of the win being the possibility to ask any question and the other’s obligation to answer truthfully

In the end Tony is the one to find it and, in his enthusiasm for having won, makes the mistake of showing her

Laura belly laughs for the next five minutes. There’s whole package: the tears in her eyes, the hand on her stomach, the phone even falls once from her shaking hand giving him a view of the ceiling

“What were you thinking?” She asks between laughs

“To be fair, I think I was stoned, or drunk… or possibly both” he tries to recall but really can’t “and now, time for the question” he drums his fingers on his knees, getting another smile from her, then turns serious “how are you?”

“I’m fine” she said as if it was obvious

“No, truly, I don’t want to know what you tell your kids or even what you tell yourself. I want to know. How. Are. You?” He asked

She opens and closes her mouth trying to form words “I’m- I don’t know” she sighs “I feel like I should hate him, for what he did to me, but more importantly for what he did to our kids, but… but I can’t-” her voice cracks and he wishes he could be there for her right now “-I can’t help but miss him” she looks up, trying to force the tears down “I can’t help but miss his scent on the pillows and his laugh and his stupid fucking jokes and I’m just so… so angry that he chose Steve over our children, and I don’t want to forgive him because he hurt our kids and…” she sobs “I still miss him” she says in a small voice

“I’m sorry”

“It’s not your fault”

He scoffs but doesn’t elaborate, it’s not about him right now. He sighs “it’s okay to miss him you know?” She scoffs “no, I’m serious. I know that he hurt you, I know that he hurt your children, but he didn’t choose Ste- Rogers over you, he chose to make the world a better place for you and for your children, that kinda entails also saving it from brainwashed super soldiers”

She looks into the camera again “is that what happened though? The super soldiers, you really fought them? Because that’s what the government says your statement is, that you and Steve and Barnes fought and killed the super soldiers and you got hurt, so Steve and his friend ran. But that’s not what happened, is it? You aren’t even able to say Steve’s name. What happened, Tony? What did my husband fight for? What happened in Siberia?”

He closes his eyes at the name of the place he was stuck in for hours, bleeding, hurt and blind in one eye. He shivers involuntarily. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t want to remember

But this isn’t about him, and she deserves the truth.

So he tells her. He tells her about the Sokovia Accords, about what they are and what they do, about the airport and Rhodey, about _you did that when you signed_ and _I’m not the one that needs to watch their_ back, about the video and _did you know_ , about _he’s my friend_ and _so was I_ , about destroying Barnes’ arm and being beaten by Ste- Rogers, until his helmet broke, until he was blinded on one side, until he screamed _just end it_ and meant it, about how he was left to die if it weren’t for F.R.I.D.A.Y.

He ended it with an “I’m sorry” and duck his head, ready for the yelling

“Why?” She stared at him as if he had grown a second head

“Because of what I did, I hurt people! I hurt Barnes, I wanted to kill him to hurt St-Rogers, it proves I’m-”

“You’re what, huh? A villain? A monster? Why? Because you, a man with PTSD reacted badly to the news that a friend lied to you about your own parents for years? You’re human, Tony, everybody would have reacted that way, heck, I would have” her eyes softened “you’re human, and that’s all there is to it, okay? Yes you’re flawed, but who isn’t? It’s okay to make mistakes”

He nodded not really believing her. Then he looked up again “it’s okay to miss him too” he said “heck I miss him, and I’m not even married to him!”

That got a startled laugh out of her

He smiled. Maybe, just maybe, she was right. Maybe he wasn’t such a monster after all.

After a comfortable moment of silence she speaks up again“Hey, do you… no it’s stupid” she stops herself

“Hey, you can ask me anything okay?”

She nods and waits a moment before continuing “do you mind staying on the phone? Until I fall asleep, I mean. If you don’t want to I understa-”

“No, I mean, yes, of course! I’ll stay on the phone” he assures her

She smiles gratefully and lays down, the phone on the pillow next to her showing him the ceiling once again.

He listens to her breathing slow down and regulate

Yeah, he thinks as he falls asleep for the first time in three days, maybe he’s not such a bad person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m eager to know what you think, if you have any prompts I’d like to read them and try to write them. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

He has been in the Barton’s house for at least an hour, bringing his stuff inside and setting up the perimeter for his suits to roam.

He has barely interacted with the kids, neither of the ones being able to talk deigns him with words, both staring at him. Cooper in a more ‘I’ve tried to be sneaky at first by hiding behind a book like in the movies but now I’ve given that up in favor of openly staring’ way, while Lila is watching him in a more ‘I’m not even in the room, but I’m watching you’ kind of way.

Tony swears to whoever is listening that the girl _is_ watching him. But every time he turns around there is no one but the dog- Lucky, he remembers, to keep him company. Either he is going insane or Lila is a sneaky little agent

After the umpteenth time he turns around to find noting he sighs. He is definitely going insane. He closes his eyes and rubs at them with the back of a shaky hand. His mental state isn’t at its best and he doesn’t like to be reminded of it.

He turns back to the task at hand and is startled by Cooper, on top of the stairs, book abandoned and looking at him with obvious confusion. Right, the boy’s mother had told him to stay with Tony in case he needed anything while she checked on Nathaniel.

Tony tries to get back to- whatever he was doing. He has literally no idea of what he was doing just a moment ago. He sighs again and looks at the screwdriver in his hand, but for the life of him he can’t remember what he was doing with it. Tony looks up at Cooper. Maybe the kid could remind him what he was doing, but that means admitting he can’t remember, and that’s a no-no.

Because if he has to admit he is having problems with his memory than it would lead to more questions, and he just couldn’t open up about the problems he has been having since the Civil-Whatever.

Not only with his memory, but also with eating, and sleeping, and that itchy feeling he gets every time it’s cold, and the need to be close to at least one of the armors, and his being overly paranoid- but was it really being paranoid if almost everyone around you has proven to be untrustworthy? and- God, he’s going insane for sure.

Sure, he was able to open up a bit with Laura the other day, but it was probably cause he hasn’t talked with anyone but his bots and the Accords’ Council in at least- well, he can’t really remember that either. Maybe since the Raft? He doesn’t really count Siberia since he doesn’t really want to think about it. Oh! Maybe it was that time when Happy called to check on him three months ago? Was it three months ago? Or maybe- he shakes his head, whatever, he doesn’t need people, he has his bots, and that is enough. It has to be. It would be. It is.

Is it?  
  
He lets out a slow breath and returns to look at Cooper, abandoning his previous task. The kid can’t see Tony’s eyes and scars because of the holo-glasses, but he still squints at him trying to see past the lenses. Tony shifts from foot to foot, nervously fidgeting with the hem of his shirt in the wake of the kid’s silent stare. When he finally can’t take the silence anymore, Tony tries to make conversation by asking questions the kid won’t answer. The questions start with a shaky ‘so, uh, do you like the hunger games book?’ (smooth, Stark) that leads to, weirdly enough, after a rambling session, or, as Rhodey’d call it, word vomit, ‘…but I swear it was legal- wait… _do_ you even know what marijuana is?’ that leads to a panicky ‘ _should_ you know what it is?’ and an ‘oh god, please don’t tell your mother I told you what marijuana is, please?’

Still, the kid doesn’t speak. But, and it might or might not be a trick of the light, after almost thirty minutes of no reactions the kid is smiling!

Okay, so, it isn’t a _smile_ smile, but there is a slight upturn to the corner of Cooper’s mouth and- yeah, he is almost maybe definitely sure it isn’t a trick of the light!

He is definitely counting it as a victory

Laura finally comes back with Nate in her arms saving him from the awkward silence that was sure to come. She takes one look at her ‘smiling’ son and raises her eyebrows. The kid shies away from his mother’s questioning glance and scurries up the stairs, almost forgetting his book before Tony reminds him of it. Cooper grabs it and makes a motion with his hand that means thank you in sign language.

Tony turns to Laura confused. The last time he was at the house with Clint the kid could definitely talk. “What’s up with Little Agent Senior?”

“He… he doesn’t really- he likes sign language” she fumbles a bit before sighing “there was always a risk of them losing some of their hearing like Clint did, so we taught them sign language from a young age” she takes a moment to calm Nate down before she keeps going “he can hear, it’s just… every time something bad happens- a traumatic event- like when his only grandparent died, he reverses to sign language. He can talk, he just… doesn’t. Not since Clint left” she looks at the point where her son was just a minute ago “he hasn’t talked for almost five months straight this time” she looks… incredibly sad “usually he used to stop talking for weeks at a time, but-” she lets out a shaky breath “but never to this extent” she says shaking her head sadly.

Comfort never was his forte, but as he looks at the tears that threaten to spill over her cheeks, he feels something inside himself stir. He doesn’t even notice his hand coming up until it’s almost resting on her shoulder. He stops himself a second before it comes to touch her shoulder, not really knowing if it’s his place to comfort her, maybe she wouldn’t want him to- maybe they aren’t there yet. But then he looks from his hand to her sad, sad eyes, resting on the stairs, and he thinks _screw_ _it_. His hand gently falls to her shoulder, startling her out of her trance, and taking in a shaky breath she latches on his hand with her own while awkwardly holding Nathaniel.

For a few moments she just stands there holding his hand, breathing deeply and trying to gather herself. Once the tears have dried she lets her hand fall to her son’s back, rubbing calming circles on it. She blinks a couple of times, clearing her thoughts and smiles at Nate who is munching on his fist.

Tony keeps his hand on her shoulder another couple of seconds to ground her, then lets his hand fall to his side

She nods at him in gratitude for the small gesture of comfort

He nods back and turns away to unpack his stuff

Would having Clint back help? He wonders. Of course it’d help, the only question is how soon can he make it happen? He’s been working on the pardons for Clint and the Ant-Guy for almost three months, starting just after ending his recovery post open-heart surgery. His heart had stopped a couple of times in the trip back from Siberia, his sternum had to be replaced and his ribs reconstructed. But the major surgery was to put the Arc Reactor back in, as some shards of metal from the suit had imbedded themselves near his heart, but were too small to be taken out. After he had been cleared by the doctors (read: after he had had enough of physical therapy) he had gone to his workshop first thing and the startling realization that he still had the suit from Siberia- cracked, broken, made him shudder. So he destroyed the it. It wasn’t worth upgrading, it was almost completely destroyed and he didn’t want a reminder of the fight. Still he had kept the helmet. Funnily enough, the glass of the helmet’s left ‘eye’- _the same glass that had pierced his skin, the same glass that had cut through nerves and muscle, the same glass that had rendered his left eye blind, the same glass that could have dug just a little teeny tiny bit deeper to kill him_ -

He shakes his head almost violently to get away from his own thoughts. He should really stop getting sidetracked in his own thought process, but after the Civil Disaster he finds it difficult to focus.

Anyway

The glass in the left eye socket was missing, dried blood -just a couple of shades darker than the suit’s red- surrounding the socket, the socket itself cracked and caved in, leaving a glaring black hole in its place.

Most people would find it _wrong_ , maybe even _twisted_ to keep such a gruesome reminder of what he lost

He finds it _hilarious_

The shrill sound of his ringtone makes him jump and drop the screwdriver.

He takes his phone out of his jeans’ back pocket and is about to answer the call when a sudden wave of dread sweeps over him, making his gut clench and his lungs constrict.

He takes a deep breath

He answers the phone

His breath comes out in a rush and he almost throws the phone against the wall, stopping himself at the last moment, letting his hand fall to his side and clenching his fists.

The rogues have escaped


	4. Chapter 4

How the hell is he supposed to make them pardons when they just keep braking the law! 

And Rogers!

The gust the man has, to just show up pretending to be a prince on a white horse come to save the day!

They weren’t damsels in distress in the claws of a big bad! It’s not like they were still in the R.A.F.T.! They were in one of the most comfortable prison money and pleads could by! Both, by the way, done by him to the president himself- to whom he owed a favor now! And what? Did Rogers really think he was going to leave them in there to rot! Rot! Ha! Like they were even  mildly uncomfortable there! They had a golf course and an Olympic swimming pool for Christ’s sake!

He just had to make everything worse by ‘saving them’ 

And he had to use his super strength on the guards, almost killing them, because even the words stealth, discreet and non-harmful are blasphemy!

He sits down on the stairs abruptly after having paced and mentally yelled for the past fifteen minutes. He puts his head in his hand and sighs deeply

God, what is he gonna do?

He rubs his forehead as he thinks. 

What can he do? Damage control, first of all. He needs to check how the guards are doing. Offer his help for the medical bills. He needs to get ahead of the press and tell the story differently. There is an easy way to do that, however painful that might be: he has to give an interview. He also needs to call Murdock to help him craft a non disclosure agreement with the guards so that they won’t talk to the press. Obviously he needs give them a big check too, and maybe a job in his company to keep their mouths shut. He needs to contact T’Challa to see if they made it back safely. He needs to call the President and- shit, this is gonna cost him another favor, isn’t it? _Fuck_. Unless… unless he plays this right. 

He takes a deep breath and takes a moment to gather his thoughts

He calls the president 

“So, a little birdie told me you have a bit of a problem, sir” 

“Stark, if you’re calling to ask another favor, I’m going to have to-”

“Oh no, no, you see, I’m actually calling to offer to pay the favor I offered you” Tony knows he is toeing on a fine line by interrupting the President, but he is forced to at this point

He hears an angry huff on the other side “what are on about Stark?”

Time to throw the bait “Well, it’d make you look like a fool- not that I think you are in the least, sir, but if you let it be known that the rogues have escaped, you’d look like one. So, I’m offering a solution” he says lightly, his heart hammering in his chest with such force he thinks it can be heard on the other side of the line

“And what would that be?” The President asked taking the bait

Tony lets out a breath “well, let’s say, hypothetically, that I’m positive they left the U.S., and I know in which country they are right now. I could contact the country to pay the favor I owe you and make them aware of the rogues being in their country. They’ll detain them and you could say you exiled them, handing them over to the country that currently holds them. You could make it look as if them leaving was by design and legal as opposite to looking like a fool for not being able to contain them”

“And why would I waste your favor for this when I could easily inform the country myself?” He asked

“Well, you don’t know which country it is, sir” Tony said as a matter of fact

The President scoffed “I don’t need to, you are legally obligated to tell me”

“Yeah, I would be, if I knew”

“But you just said-”

“Hypothetically, I said hypothetically. You have no proof that I know which country they are in”

He hears the President muttering curses under his breath “… okay, contact the country” tony mentally pats his own back “but there’s another problem. How do you propose I contain the real story?” 

“Well, there’s where I come in. While you’ll tell our version of the story I’ll hold a press conference, the return of Iron Man in the eyes of the public will easily overshadow any rumor of the rogues escaping of their own volition”

“And you’d do this for free?” He can hear the suspicion in his voice

“Well, for an exchange of sorts”

He hears a deep, tired sigh “and what would that be?”

“In exchange for my help with the rogues I’d like the possibility of making my case for their pardons”

“What? How am I even- I’m supposed to exile and then pardon them? The people will want my head!”

“I didn’t say you had to accept” that shuts him up fairly quickly “when in a couple of months the news of their exile will have blown over, I’ll propose the pardons. Now, we both know the pardons will divide the people, as one half will want the rogues’ heads and the other half will want them to be pardoned. But you don’t have to do either: you can just give them probation for a couple of years before letting them free, and if and only if they sign the accords they’ll be able to do the hero gig. That way both will have what they want by reaching a compromise. And you’ll be a hero to both parts. Think about it: Iron Man implores the president for his friends’ freedom, and you graciously let them have it, on the compromise that they pay for their actions. You’ll come out as just and fair, and get my help in this”

He waits with a baited breath as the President thinks it over

“Alright, you got yourself a deal” he lets out a relieved breath “but Stark? You better give one hell of a case for their pardons” 

The call disconnects

And so it starts, the endless list of calls he has to do: Murdock, T’Challa, each of the guards’ families, and then he has to call Pepper to schedule an interview tomorrow

Is it weird he dreads more the call to Pepper than the one he just had with the President?

God, how can he even- fuck Rogers, he thinks tiredly but vehemently. Honestly, the man just doesn’t help his case.

Almost two hours later he’s finally ended the last call and he honestly just wants to throw the phone out of the window. Or burn it. Yeah, burning it sounds more like it. He lets himself fantasize about different ways to destroy the phone and let himself disappear from the radar like he has done in the last four months. 

He shakes his head. He’s going out of his mind.

As he thinks about the impending interview anxiety crawls its way out of his heart and expands through his chest, making it hard to breathe.

He takes some deep breaths and lets himself fall on the couch with a huff just as Cooper comes back down the stairs. He locks eyes with the kid for a moment, and he asks himself why would the kid decide not to talk. He thinks that maybe, with everything that happened with his father leaving them, the kid must think himself and what he has to say as not too important. Isn’t he lonely? Surely he has friends? But do they know sign language? And then suddenly he remembers something he read who-knows-when about how letting a child teach you something makes them feel important and helps in forming a bond and an idea comes to mind. 

“So” he says casually “you like sign language?”

Cooper looks confused but nods

“Would you like to teach me?” He asks simply 

Cooper’s eyes get as big as saucers and he throws himself on the couch next to him

He watches, amused, as the boy starts to move his hands animatedly trying to explain… something to him. With the few words he knows he is able to get something about… his family? His… sister? His dog, it’s definitely his dog 

He stops the boy with a hand and makes a gesture, mimicking the act of writing. The boy blushes in embarrassment at having forgotten Tony can’t understand him and grabs pen and paper. Tony smiles and watches as the kid writes excitedly all the words he wants Tony to learn. 

Then suddenly he stops and turns kind of serious. Tony is about to ask what is wrong when the kid writes something else and hands him the paper. Tony takes it cautiously and sees various words scribbled on it, before he notices the hastily written note at the end

_Thank you_

He looks at the kid and Cooper gives him a small, shy smile. 

His heart melts a little

He ruffles the kid’s hair and smiles too. The kid’s smile gets bigger before he takes back the paper and points to a word, then goes through a motion with his hands. Tony repeats it at the best of his abilities, and Cooper takes his hands and corrects him before repeating the motion. Tony does it again and the kid smiles once again

Tony looses himself in the motions, letting the kid teach him a handful of words before repeating them all again. He ignores the impending interview for now and lets himself relax. 

The kid laughs every time he grumbles because of a hard word or cheers when he already knows one and Tony finds himself smiling

For the rest of the time Cooper teaches him, before the kid has to go do his homework, Tony smiles


	5. Chapter 5

Anxiety claws at his chest as he waits for his name to be called. He takes a shaky breath and presses a hand against his chest, clad in an Armani suit, feeling his heart beating madly, trying to calm down. For a moment he contemplates turning on his heels and walking away, not ready to face the public so soon after everything. All because Rogers- fuck him, honestly, ‘freed’ the others. Wanda didn’t even have the collar anymore, she had a cute little bracelet Tony had made himself instead. Couldn’t he see they were fine? Well- not _fine_ , they couldn’t see their families, but Tony was working on that. God, what if this interview goes wrong? What if he messes up? What if-

“… and now the great, the only, Tony Stark ladies and gentlemen!”

And god, he’s not ready. He can hear his heart beating madly, blood rushing to his ears and hands feeling numb, he can feel cold sweat on the back of his neck and his legs are feeling too heavy to move. He’s not ready

He breathes deeply

He plasters his camera smile on his face and walks out, holding out his arms, welcoming the cheers and claps. He does a little dance at the rhythm of the music being played by the band, slowly making his way to his chair and shaking Michael’s hand before turning back to the audience, still cheering, waving again and sitting down. He waits for the audience to calm down, which takes a while, before talking. “Hi” he says slowly, drawing out the word, making the audience cheer again. He leans back, unbuttons his jacket and crosses his legs, smiling broadly before turning to Michael.

“So, Tony- can I call you Tony?” Michael asks

“Sure thing Michael” he responds easily

“So, I think I can speak for everyone” he says, gesturing to the audience who cheers “when I say we are all wondering what happened this past months” he says “is it true?” He asks and the audience quietens again “you stayed out of the public eye because the soldiers hurt you? I mean, I’m no doctor but you seem fine to me”

“I am now, but I have to admit, I had a bit of a medical problem, and yes, it was caused by the Soldiers” Tony admits 

“So you did fight the soldiers, and got injured in doing so?” Michael asks interested 

“Yeah I did, but that’s not the only reason I stayed away” he says cryptically, instigating a curious ooooh from the audience 

“Why else did you stay away? Perhaps afraid of the fallout of the disaster Thaddeus Ross made of the accords?” He asks only half joking

“He did make quite a bit of a mess” Tony admits

“I admit I am a little confused. Will you explain what happened to us? After all, what better source is there than you?”

“Well, Michael, Ross was monopolizing the Accords for his own benefit, making them restrictive rules to control the enhanced, as opposed to the set of guidelines they were supposed to be” he explains “they were supposed to help make what we as the Avengers did legal, making us able to enter sovereign countries legally and with the country’s permission. And that’s exactly what they are now. A set of guidelines for when we need to enter another country, which is what the previous one hundred and eighteen, and now one hundred and forty five countries signed for” he says with a smile, ignoring his madly beating heart in favor of looking calm and collected “but I’m not here to talk about the Accords” Tony says changing the argument “I’m here to announce the new branch of Stark Industries, which will be taking an interest in the biomedical engineering field” he says grinning, the audience cheering and clapping, someone whooping.

Michael claps too, and starts asking questions about the newest addition to Stark Industries

The rest of the interview passes by, and Tony finds himself sitting in his car, the driver silent, the opposite of Happy’s usual curious concern- god he misses his friend, and rubs his eyes with a shaky hand, breathing slowly. He checks his phone and finds the interview has already been viewed seven hundred thousand times in the last ten minutes. He checks the video over, looking carefully for any sign that the holo-glasses didn’t work and finds none. He lets out a relieved breath and relaxes a fraction, letting his head rest against the cold glass of the car window.

It’s snowing, he realizes distantly. 

It shouldn’t be snowing, he thinks, it’s almost the middle of March, it shouldn’t be snowing this heavily. 

He loved snow when he was a child. He used to play with his mother in the snow, creating snowmen and making snow angels, making him feel normal for once. They used to play an Italian game of cards called Machiavelli and drink hot chocolate and stay cuddled up on the carpet in front of the chimney, under as many blankets as they could gather. They used to make blanket forts and hide in them and Jarvis would help them and smile fondly at Tony.

But now. Now it reminds Tony of Siberia and ‘he’s my friend’ and ‘so was I’ and cold slowly crawling up his limbs and frozen blood and _oh god he can’t see from one eye_ and St-Rogers _left him_ , he left him to _freeze_ left him to _die_ and-

He doesn’t like snow anymore.

He closes his eyes and rests, waiting to arrive at the compound. 

OoO

_He can’t- he can’t breathe- someone is choking him- like his mamma and he can’t breathe and -_

_“Barnes?” He asks, suddenly seeing who is choking him- like his mamma- like Maria and he killed her Barnes killed her and now he’s killing Tony-_

_“Bucky!” Steve says- and thank god there’s Steve now he’ll help him he’ll save him and- he smiles_

_Steve is smiling at Barnes, happily ignoring Tony choking at the end of Barnes’ metal arm-like his mother like his mamma- and then he turns to Tony finally noticing him and please help- he can’t breathe- and Steve is still smiling- why is he smiling? He doesn’t understand why isn’t he helping Tony why is he letting him die and suddenly it’s cold so, so cold_

_“Why?” Tony asks as his vision starts blacking out and it’s cold so cold_

_Steve smiles “because he’s my friend, Tony”_

OoO

Tony wakes with a start, hyperventilating and shivering, and it’s cold- why is it so cold? 

He looks around and notices he’s still in the car, and it’s still snowing outside. He closes his eyes, trying to regain control over his breathing. Slowly, very slowly, his breaths turn slower and deeper, and his hands stop shaking.

The cold lingers

OoO

He can’t be followed to the farm, so he takes the suit and flies there. The suit is on autopilot, and it takes a while, and when he finally arrives he’s exhausted. If by the interview, the nightmare or the panic attack he doesn’t know. As soon as he walks in a crying Nathaniel is placed in his arms. Tony starts and, if it weren’t for the fact that his arms registered the importance of the wailing bundle before his mind did, he would have dropped him. Instead he holds him up at arms length, for a moment unsure of what he’s supposed to do. He looks at Laura, but she’s probably going to deal with the fighting kids he can hear in the other room. He looks at the baby, and the baby looks back at him with large eyes, forgetting to cry and staring curiously at Tony. Or at Tony’s glasses. Tony shifts awkwardly, and goes to sit on the couch

OoO

When Laura finally calms the kids down and says one last “keep your hands to yourself- and yes, feet too, Lila” she comes back to the living room to apologize for having basically thrown Nate at Tony. They’re on the couch, Tony holding Nate close to his chest and with a half smile on his face. Nate is talking gibberish, one fisted hand holding onto Tony’s shirt and the other halfway in his mouth, drooling all over what seems to be a very expansive Armani suit. She is about to intervene when Nate abruptly stops and looks up at Tony as if asking something. Tony nods and speaks “that is SO interesting. I’m officially intrigued” Nate smiles happily, not even understanding but happy at being talked to “keep talking, I’m listening” Tony says with an encouraging nod. Nate launches back in his gibberish and Tony keeps listening and giving encouraging nods and words. Not that Nate understands but Tony’s reassuring tone is enough for him to keep ‘talking’

At some point Tony looks up to meet her eyes and she smiles.

Tony gives her a barely there, but nonetheless _there_ smile

She leaves, Nate is in good hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, someone asked me to make this Tony/Laura instead of Tony&Laura. What do you think I should do? I’m eager to know wha you think

**Author's Note:**

> So, thoughts? Like it? Don’t like it? Have a hate-love relationship with it? I’m eager to read what you think


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